15/01/15 The CT scan is done and the waiting game begins. Where else is it in my body? At this moment I know I have a primary tumour in my Thyroid and secondaries in 3 lymph nodes. The phone is silent and I feel like heart failure from a panic attack is going to kill me before cancer will. In my typical pro-active Melle way, I get on with Dr. Google and start researching. An interesting fact jumps out at me from at least 11 different sites. We all have cancer in our body every day but our immune system takes care of it. So is cancer the problem or is my immune system the problem? A question I can’t wait to put to my Doctor!
The wait is agonising and then when it does finally ring, I need to vomit but he says it’s great news and that it hasn’t spread any further……. at this stage. I say that I have great news too, that my immune system is the problem so how do we fix that? His reply was both devastating and enlightening. He said that he had no idea about my immune system and that I have cancer and this is how we treat it, & proceeded to tell me of all the appointments he has made for me. I tried to press the point about my immune system but he cut me off saying “Look, I think we have got this reasonably early and the surgery may have a successful outcome for you to have a satisfactory life for a number of years to come”.
WTF!! What does that even mean? I am a firm believer in that we set our path before we have this physical experience. I had a vision of me sitting around with all the Angel life planners with them saying “Now Melle, you’ll end up having a satisfactory life” and I saw myself say “Yeah Nah, that won’t work, what else have you got?”. I wouldn’t have agreed to it then and I wasn’t going to agree to it now. I said thank you to the Doctor and hung up.
What does that mean going forward? I have this thing in my body that, at every turn, I am being told it is the biggest killer in the world. It is on every TV channel, ad, radio, newspaper, magazine, facebook and there are fundraisers everywhere you turn. And they all tell me that they desperately need money to find a cure. And then it dawns on me, that I have something that has no cure so if that is true, what is the point of this treatment they want me to have. Because at this moment, I want to live and if I am being told everywhere I go, that there is no cure, what is it going to do for me that I can’t do myself. My breath is becoming shallow and I feel like I am going into anxiety!!! Just that word “cancer” sends me into absolute fear and panic which puts me into flight or fight mode and I just read how those chemicals that are released in that state have chronic effects on my immune system. I need my immune system to help me so I need to be calm. At that moment, I just can’t say the “c” word. I decide to name it, my cancer became Kyle.
I sat and looked at the diary at my upcoming appointments with Kyle and I felt sick to my stomach. I closed the book and went back to researching, this felt much better. I came across a site talking about how we manifest illness so I thought if I manifested this then surely that means I can manifest wellness and health too. There is no cure for cancer, they keep telling me, but nobody has said that you can’t “un-manifest” it. If my immune broke down then I can fix it and it can get back to treating Kyle like it was supposed to. YES!! That feels right. I remembered that I had a whole series of blood tests that had been done and I always ask for a copy so I checked them. Everything was normal, even my thyroid so why take out something that is still functioning within the normal range.
After a lengthy chat with my husband Bruce and with his full support I picked up the phone and cancelled all of my appointments. I just needed breathing space, I needed to look at all of my options and all of a sudden, I didn’t feel sick anymore and so my journey with Kyle began, but more importantly my journey with choice.