Choice. A small word but has big implications. My journey of choice was a lonely one at times, there was no book of instructions, no point of reference to compare, it felt like I was charting waters that at times seemed deep and murky especially at 3am when the thoughts started their heavy descent. It was the hours in those endless, sleepless nights when your old foe, fear, pays a visit and you find yourself digging through Wayne Dyer books and trying to find that quote of hope….and there it is….. and you can exhale.
“You’ll be happy to know that the universal law that created miracles hasn’t been repealed.”
– Dr. Wayne Dyer
I still had no idea of what my prognosis was, when I cancelled my conventional appointments, they were no longer interested in me or how I wanted to treat it. It was google that gave me protocols to use from eye-opening websites that were all about natural treatments. Google was great but I really needed to know what I was dealing with so I sought a second opinion but where do I go if I had no faith in Doctors? And I didn’t have faith in them, I had been trying to tell them for years that something was wrong with my health but not one of them would listen to me and it wasn’t until I found the lump on my neck did they finally listen. Then it was too late. I had no idea of how to find somebody. I didn’t want a Doctor as they already are bound by how they believe cancer should be treated so would not offer any other options.
Luckily, I have a friend who is a holistic neurotherapist and was able to facilitate the first members of my support team including an incredible naturopath who pointed me in the direction of a Doctor of Health Science who specialises in Integrative Oncology and I was lucky enough to get an appointment in Sydney the following week. I checked out his credentials and experience and was impressed but he also looked a bit like the actor Lee Marvin which I found strangely comforting 😀
This appointment was devastating!!! Bruce and I went in full of optimism and came out feeling like deflated balloons. He was matter of fact, cold even in the delivery of his prognosis. He said “I have reviewed your scans and reports and based on my 45 years of experience in this field I give you 6 months to live if you do nothing and 12 – 18 months if you do conventional treatment”.
I remember feeling a strange sense of calm and peace wash over me and a hush in the room. He was still speaking but I couldn’t hear him, there was an internal quiet that was louder than everything around me.It was like I had stepped into a calm, still cave. All of sudden I heard myself interrupt him and softly say “I am treating this naturally so if you can help with that, great, but if not we are done here”. No hysteria, just calm and even.
The 2 hour drive back to Newcastle was surreal as Bruce and I never mentioned the prognosis, we just agreed that we should keep it ourselves and only tell a few members of our wellness team if we absolutely had to. We really didn’t want the fear based good opinions of others as to what we should do with this information. But at least we now knew what we were dealing with.